a soul brother of mine, Dave, has ben fiting refractry hodge for 4yrs. one treetmnt aftr anothr, eech one faling and leeving him sicker. thru it all, his spirit has ben honed and strengthnd like a sword. tested by fire. tho his days are numberd, his soul will not brake. he has givn me permissn to share an email he sent me.
i give it to you, with all the love i posess for this guy and his wife, Jen.
Do You Remember?
It’s quickly approaching the end of summer and Jen, my wife, and I were sitting on the porch the other evening, watching all our critters. We could detect the faint order of wood burning, coming from the Great Dismal Swamp fire.
We watched as the lizards played in and searched the dirt in the planters. It was comical to watch them bury their heads and then lift their heads and shake off the dirt. They will make certain that those plants don't have any bugs!
The three Praying Mantises were chasing down their dinner...which they succeeded in! The largest is a female and measures over 7 inches long. We watched her with her eggs and then the babies. The other two are smaller, about 4 or 5 inches. They all provide an enjoyable source of entertainment!
As we sat there watching all this, Jen asked if I can even remember what it was like to feel truly good. This question stunned me for a few seconds and then I began to think about it. Feeling good...it is now as elusive as the smoke we're smelling, wafting around ethereally, touching me on rare occasions. Frustrating me as I know it's there, but there is nothing to hold onto it with. It's been over 4 years I've been dealing with this cancer. Chemo's every other week for eight months, then in the hospital for more and the SCT, followed by more months of various chemos’ and even drug trials. All failing miserably.
Now I just try to manage the pain levels. No, I can honestly say I can't remember what it's like to feel good. Yeah, I have good days and bad days, but really feeling good....Those days are gone. The only regret is that I can't remember the feelings.
So, we continue to sit watching the antics of our critters, sipping lukewarm coffee and talking about the day’s events. The girls, our two Landseer’s (each over two hundred pounds!) come in and look pleadingly at us. They want their brushing, petting and treat!
As dusk begins we reluctantly go inside with girls. They get their treat and lay down...Molly in front of Jen and Dolly in front of me. As dusk turns to night we hear the call of all the other critters...owls, frogs, cicadas and others we can't identify.
It's then that I realize that feeling good is but a moment in time and I damn this disease for keeping that from me and destroying those memories.
If I am up to it and the weather is cooperative, tomorrow evening I will sit on the porch, along with Jen, sipping lukewarm coffee, talking about the day’s events, laughing at the antics of our critters and marveling at the world around us. I also reflect on all the wonderful friends and family that have stayed with me and continue to support me through this journey.
